20 Signs of a Toxic Relationship, According to a Therapist

 

Every relationship has its issues because people are imperfect. Having problems in a relationship does not mean that a relationship is toxic. Relationships become toxic when one person’s behavior brings harm to the other. Furthermore, my view as a therapist is that people, themselves, are not toxic. But behavior can be.

 

Think your relationship may be toxic? Here are some signs to consider:

 

1. Drama

 

Does your relationship feel like an emotional roller coaster? In the context of toxic relationships, drama refers to made-up conflict. Drama includes debates where there’s no actual conversation; you and your partner are just fighting for the sake of fighting.

 

2. Dishonesty

 

Is there a pattern of falsehoods or lying by omission? Dishonesty can indicate a lack of willingness to take personal ownership. Dishonesty is detrimental to the health of a relationship as it severely severs trust between partners. 

 

3. Discomfort 

 

Do you constantly feel uneasy or on edge around your partner? Sometimes discomfort can stem from your own attachment style, which is not necessarily your partner’s fault. Other times, discomfort is due to your partner’s inability to help provide a safe, secure connection. If you’re unsure which it is, a therapist can help.

 

4. Betrayal

 

Relationships can heal after betrayal, but it needs to stop. Betrayal isn’t always dramatic, such as an affair. It’s often subtle. Betrayal can include emotional cheating, financial infidelity, divulging personal information about your partner, or not honoring agreements.

 

5. Imbalance

 

Does one partner do the taking while the other does the giving? Or is there an imbalance of power between you? If one partner has control over the other or their needs dominate the relationship while the other’s needs go ignored, the relationship is imbalanced. 

 

6. Hostility

 

Is your partner constantly angry and hostile toward you? Hostility involves verbally attacking the person. This type of communication is unproductive and doesn’t solve any problems. It creates disconnect and defensiveness in the relationship. Frankly, hostility can kill a relationship because of the amount of hurt it causes.

 

7. Judgment

 

Is your partner judgmental, critical, shaming, or passive-aggressive? Do you feel like you can be yourself around them without fear of having to fall in line with their expectations of how you should be? Having a judgmental partner can lead to feelings of shame. And shame is simply not conducive to a healthy relationship.

8. Energy drain

 

Is your partner uplifting or do they mostly drain you? Perhaps you’ve heard the term energy vampire. This is just not a term I can get on board with because it is judgmental and shaming. If your partner is draining your energy, consider whether you have established sufficient boundaries. They may not realize you feel drained, so setting boundaries could help. 

 

 

9. Unreliability

 

Does your partner consistently make promises they don’t keep? Perhaps they’re chronically late or frequently cancel plans. While you can’t assume motivations, it is worth considering if your partner’s unreliability is a deal breaker. This is another situation where boundaries are necessary.

 

10. Narcissism

 

Is your partner more interested in themselves and their image than an authentic connection? Do they need constant admiration and praise? Or do they have an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement?  Narcissism exists on a spectrum, but it is ultimately toxic behavior. 

 

 

11. Poor communication

 

Communication is a common issue in relationships, and something that can be improved with therapy. Poor communication isn’t toxic unless communication issues are causing harm and one partner is entirely unwilling to work on improving their communication. 

 

 

12. Disrespect

 

Does your partner treat you as an equal? Do you feel respected by them? Signs of disrespect include judging, shaming, mocking, criticism, put-downs, stonewalling, lying, disloyalty, threats, and lack of consideration.

 

13. Avoidance

 

Does your partner constantly pull away when you need them? Do they place unreasonable conditions on how they will spend time with you? Do they severely limit communication unless they need you? Does the relationship feel one-sided due to your partner’s distancing?

 

14. Control

 

Does your partner act more like a controlling parent? Do you have autonomy? In a controlling relationship, one partner tends to dominate the other in a way that is self-serving. A controlling partner may leave you feeling guilty, insecure, or intimidated. 

 

 

15. Entrapment

 

Could you get out of the relationship if you wanted to? Entrapment can occur when one partner continues to stay in an unhealthy relationship because they feel like they’ve invested too much to lose. They may feel stuck or entrapped in a bad situation because they can’t see a safe way out.

 

16. Isolation

 

Do you still have friendships and relationships with family outside of your partner? Isolation can include a partner’s refusal to interact with the other’s friends and family or encouraging you to cut others out of your life. People need relationships outside of just those with their partner.

 

17. Victimhood

 

Is your partner willing to put equal work into the relationship or do they act helpless? Partners with a victim mentality are often unhappy and insecure. They have a tendency to blame others for problems and are less inclined to examine their own contributions to relationship issues.

 

18. Gaslighting

 

Does your partner call you crazy when you tell them how you feel? Gaslighting is a manipulative way in which one person attempts to make the other question their own reality. Gaslighting involves creating false narratives as a way to control another person. 

 

19. Manipulation

 

Instead of being direct, does your partner try to sway your emotions so that you’ll bend to their will? Psychological manipulation can have a negative context when it involves one person trying to change the behaviors or beliefs of another through deceitful or deceptive tactics.

 

20. Abuse

Intimate partner violence, or relationship abuse, can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, and financial. And no one deserves any type of abuse. Several of the items on this list of toxic relationship signs fall under the category of abuse. Emotional abuse includes stalking, extreme jealousy, controlling, intimidating, humiliating, shaming, and isolating. Physical abuse includes pushing, slapping, punching, and any other behavior that causes physical harm. 

If you’re in need of immediate help, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 

https://www.thehotline.org. 

Even toxic relationships can be hard to leave. A therapist specializing in relationships and related issues can help.