Perfectionism Anxiety & The Thing About People Pleasing
You know all too well what perfectionism anxiety is like. You’re aware that adding one more thing to your weekly to-do list will lead to more stress, less sleep, increased fatigue, and possibly even resentment. And yet you’re a people-pleaser, so you agree to that extra zoom call, happy hour, or volunteer to help someone else out when you’re already too busy or drained.
The past’s anxiety response is today’s perfectionism.
Do you have perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies?
Are these tendencies still working for you?
In therapy for anxiety, we find the root causes of behavior that no longer serves us and develop more sustainable strategies. Sometimes, we uncover an interplay with perfectionism and people-pleasing as
- a response to early experiences (or even trauma)
- reinforced and rewarded by our modern society.
We don’t always realize when our tendencies toward perfectionism and people-pleasing originate from earlier experiences, unrealistic expectations, anxiety, or even trauma.
Paradoxically, we are often afraid to let go of these tendencies even when they overwhelm us and make us resentful.
If perfectionism and people-pleasing are go-to tendencies for you, they likely did serve you at some point.
Your teachers or caretakers in childhood may have praised you for being a “pleaser.” And perhaps you believed that being “perfect” could keep you safe from the judgment of a critical parent or peer.
You’ve probably learned by now that these tendencies are no longer serving you.
And yet, despite your better judgment, you can’t seem to stop.
You do what’s expected of you, but maybe not what’s best for you or your relationships.
You know that the critical inner voice you hear when you make a mistake at work isn’t constructive. You could correct course, learn, and move on from a mistake. But not before giving yourself a heaping dose of shame.
Sometimes we shame, “should,” and “ought” ourselves without even realizing it. We subconsciously think that we can beat ourselves into being perfect instead of human.
But that doesn’t work.
It only perpetuates the problem.
So why can’t we stop?
It takes unlearning what we’ve learned about feeling safe and accepted in the world since childhood and challenging the messages we get from social media, our families, at work, and within our communities and friend groups that reinforce toxic hustling and impossible standards.
How do we find our way into a more realistic and sustainable way of being?
Navigating our way out of perfectionism anxiety and people-pleasing
1. We can start by identifying and challenging the belief systems underlying these tendencies.
Beliefs fueling perfectionism and people-pleasing can sound like:
- I have to be perfect.
- I have to please everyone.
- I ought to be/do/achieve ______.
- I should have ________________.
- I have to earn love and acceptance.
Underlying these beliefs is often a pervasive fear that being perfect and pleasing others is the only way to be accepted.
Letting go of perfectionism and people-pleasing does not mean we stop striving for success or that we become selfish. We can still work toward our goals and give to others when we have the capacity for it. But we do so with clarity about why we choose to do so. And we know when we need to tap out and self-preserve.
We stop pouring from an empty cup.
We may spend less time looking outside ourselves to find our “enoughness” from others or our external achievements.
2. We can acknowledge that we are inherently enough and worthy of love and acceptance by being who we authentically are.
Unless, of course, we’re an asshole. But then, being an asshole may also be a manifestation of underlying anxiety, trauma, and early childhood experiences of a person who is, in fact, very much worthy.
3. We can also question the origin of our idea of success and whether what we’re striving for will bring us the fulfillment we seek.
Perhaps you’re tired of trying to live up to unfulfilling societal archetypes of success or buying into status traps when you’re strapped with student loan debt, astronomical insurance premiums, a mortgage, or the steadily increasing cost of the rent.
You’re spent.
But you’re doing great.
And that’s enough.
To be clear, this is not to say we shouldn’t work hard, have high standards for ourselves, or strive to achieve our dreams. It’s that perfectionism is an illusion. When will you hit the point of perfect? It’s an impossible standard.
People-pleasing, it seems more often than not, can cause us to go beyond our energy, integrity, or boundaries to please others.
It’s important to ask ourselves why we do this and weigh the cost – to ourselves and our relationships.
Ineffective, anxiety-fueled attempts to gain the approval of others
Underlying perfectionism and people-pleasing is generally a need to be accepted.
By others.
But by ourselves?
What we usually find, however, is that the acceptance we seek from others can’t be earned by being perfect or going out of our integrity to be who others would find acceptable.
Chances are, we have some room for improvement in the space between who we are and how we want to be. But we’re probably actually “good enough” just as we are. We are probably already loved and accepted by those who matter. And if not, we can expend our energy on finding individuals who are more accepting of us.
If we accept ourselves to the point of taking care of our own needs and prioritizing our mental health, would we continue the hamster wheel of perfectionism and people-pleasing?
Would we continue giving more than we have left to give?
Many of our modern-day afflictions have roots in a safety-seeking response. Not only is this the case with anxiety, but it can also occur with our urge to people-please and seek perfection. While the theory of perfectionism being adaptive is somewhat controversial in the psychological community, your mental health counselor or trauma therapist may see perfectionism and people-pleasing worthy of exploration and whether it correlates with trauma, anxiety, depression, and other psychological conditions.
Rebecca Phillips, MS, LPC
I am a licensed professional counselor in Frisco, Texas specializing in anxiety, trauma, and high-functioning depression. I work with clients who find themselves in patterns of people-pleasing and perfectionism. These tendencies can be so ingrained that we struggle to change them with insight alone. In therapy, we address the root cause, which can be anxiety, trauma, or adverse childhood experiences, and our view of ourselves and the world. We can then calm the overwhelm, stress, and resentment that can occur from people-pleasing and perfectionism.
If you’d like to start living life on your own terms and showing up in the world with confidence and clarity, contact me here.
I look forward to hearing from you.