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Surviving a breakup may be among the hardest things you’ll ever do. But you will.

Falling in love is by far one of the best feelings a human can experience. And because of that, breaking up is among the worst. You can become unraveled and undone. You can feel lost and broken. But you are not. 

You will find your way. And you can emerge more whole and complete than ever before. 

If you doubt this about yourself, please be patient. You can get there, but it’s a process. It will entail a long journey back home to yourself.

Why Breakups Are So Hard

 

Breakups often entail grief and mourning. The loss of a significant relationship can feel like losing a loved one who has passed away. Therefore, you need to understand that you are going to feel pain. If the relationship was significant enough, there is no way around it. You have to go through it.

 

In adulthood, our partners or significant others are our primary attachment figures just as our parents or caregivers were in childhood. These attachment figures form our strongest bonds to other humans. They include the people we primarily turn to for love, comfort, guidance, security, or safety. We also turn to them for acceptance and validation.

 

We may have changed our primary attachment figures from our parents or caregivers to our romantic partners by adulthood. We seek out our primary attachment figures in times of distress or disruption in our lives. We lean on them and find comfort in their willingness to help meet our emotional need for love and belonging. 

 

So when we lose the most significant attachment we have for love, comfort, and security, we can feel untethered and incomplete. We can feel like a part of us has just died along with our relationship. That void is where the pain may reside for a while. 

 

That void is what you’ll need to nurture and care for as gently and patiently as you can. Like a nurturing caretaker would tend to a fresh wound, you’ll want to give yourself patience and tenderness as you go through the breakup process. 

 

Breakups are hard because the primary person you’ve relied on during the ups and downs of life is no longer there as you deal with the pain of losing them.

 

 

 

 

Stages of a Breakup

 

There are different stages of a breakup, just as there are different stages of grief. These stages aren’t linear, and they don’t always make a lot of sense. Some days may be more difficult than others. Some days you may have crying spells, while other days, you may find yourself feeling hopeful and confident.

 

After a breakup, we find ourselves in that middle space between saying goodbye to the hopes and dreams for the future we once had and creating a new life for ourselves. When venturing into any unknown situation, it’s natural to feel some fear or anxiety.

 

And just like any other loss, you can expect stages of grief such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  

 

Clients often start therapy during the initial stages or in the immediate aftermath of a breakup. In this stage, people are usually in the midst of a sort of post-mortem of their relationship. In the final stage of therapy, clients learn to let go and adapt to their new life.

• Post-mortem

After a breakup, it’s typical to do a post-mortem wherein we analyze what went wrong. While it’s healthy to spend some time reflecting, we want to make sure reflection doesn’t begin to verge on rumination or obsession.

 

It’s more beneficial to reflect on ourselves and our contribution to the problem than to focus that energy on our ex. When we focus on our ex, we’re faced with trying to make sense of something while having insufficient information. When trying to figure out someone else, there will always be gaps, so this process can quickly become an endless loop of rumination. 

 

• Grief

The grief process from a breakup can be similar to that of losing a loved one who passes away. Initially, you may find yourself in shock or disbelief. You may feel numb or overwhelmed.  You may be desperate for answers and find yourself confused and disorganized. You may be driven to understand what happened and find yourself pleading for answers or acknowledgment from your ex.

You may find yourself bargaining with your partner to reconcile by making promises that you will resolve any issues that led to the dissolution of the relationship. You might swear that you’ll do better and try harder. You’d do just about anything to win them back because the pain of splitting up feels like it’s too much to bear.

Anger may come at a later stage, especially once the immediate shock, denial, and bargaining have run their course. Anger doesn’t usually feel good in our bodies, but it can be a good sign. It can be a sign that we realize our well-being matters. Anger can mark a shift in perspective and serve to empower you to move forward.

• Letting Go 

 Letting go is an essential stage of any breakup. This is where we rediscover and reconnect with ourselves. We release the other person and wish them well. In doing so, we free ourselves to be more present in our current lives. 

 

 

Therapist Tips to Survive a Breakup

 

 

• Accept that there will be pain.

 

Heartbreak is such a painful feeling. I encourage others to validate the pain their pain. Because people can be uncomfortable with negative emotions, you may feel pressure to move on before you’re ready. It’s ok to make room for grief after a breakup. Listen to those feelings so that you can take care of yourself while you’re healing.

 

• Treat your emotional pain like physical pain.

 

Think of heartbreak like a physical injury. When you are going through something as heavy as a breakup, you will not be at your best. While you heal, you may not be as productive or energetic as you were before. If you broke your leg, you wouldn’t expect to keep pace with your regular cardio routine. You would give yourself time to heal. You need to do the same for your heart and mind.

 

 

• Expect crying spells.

 

Many people are afraid that letting themselves cry will lead to getting overwhelmed. Or they fear that if they start to cry, they’ll never stop. However, the consensus in the psychology community is that crying helps humans release stress. Crying can act as a safety valve, letting us release painful emotions that could otherwise become repressed enough to harm our health. 

 

• Acknowledge old wounds.

 

If you’ve been broken up with by someone you’ve only casually dated, you may believe your feelings are an overreaction. However, it’s possible that the pain you’re experiencing cuts deeper. There may be old wounds of abandonment or rejection that are resurfacing. 

 

• Maintain individual interests and relationships.

 

If your identity was wrapped up in your coupledom, you could experience a greater loss of identity. This is particularly pronounced if you shared the same friend group or social circles with our ex. For this reason and many others, it’s important that you continue to maintain your individual interests while in relationships.

 

• Give yourself time and space.

Breakups can be so painful that it makes sense to want to feel better as soon as you possibly can.  However, you could wind up prolonging the pain by rushing the grieving process. You feel desperate to move on by engaging in behaviors like binge drinking or having a string of hookups. But these temporary escapes may be ineffective attempts to cope with pain you’re only suppressing. Giving yourself time and space to move through the pain as it comes is essential to healing.

 

• Remain objective

 

When you get to the point of considering going back to an unhealthy relationship, you may be in a stage of romanticizing your ex and past relationship. When you romanticize the past, you focus primarily on what was good about the relationship, and reality becomes skewed. You may overemphasize the initial infatuation stage and minimize the pain that led to the breakup. So try to remain objective when reminiscing about the relationship. 

 

• Seek out interesting and novel experiences.

 

Your daily routine may be disrupted after a breakup. If you default to the same routine you had with your partner, it may be a good time to reassess how you would like to spend your time. You may benefit from taking a trip or vacation. You could also find some fun or fulfillment from adding new and novel experiences into your routine, such as attending live events or museums with yourself or with others. 

 

• Get some space from your ex.

Many people are tempted to have the closure conversation soon after the breakup. If you feel a conversation with your ex is necessary for closure, consider letting the dust settle first. In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, when things are raw, emotions can run high. Partners may say things they don’t mean and come to regret. Though it’s not a one-size-fits-all rule, you may want to consider unfollowing your ex on social media if it helps you to move on.

 

• Learn more about yourself.

When we feel heartbroken, we long to find our way back to feeling whole again. But we cannot do that looking outside of ourselves. You can find what you’re looking for by going inward and learning more about yourself. You can learn a lot about yourself with therapy, journaling, reading, traveling, and creating.

• Lean on your support system.

If you just lost your primary support person, it’s important to find others that support and care for you. Your support system could include friends, family members, or pets. You could also find groups or communities to join. Your instinct may be to isolate, and while time with yourself may be necessary, consider the long-term effects of social isolation on your mental health. 

 

• Find a therapist.

If you’re still experiencing overwhelming grief or loss for a significant amount of time after a breakup, it could be helpful to enlist the support of a therapist. We can get stuck in all sorts of patterns, and therapists are trained to help us navigate them in healthy ways.

 

• Exercise and rest.

Research shows that physical activity can help individuals struggling with grief as well as anxiety, depression, and trauma disorders. Exercise can help individuals express emotions, create a sense of freedom, and provide distraction while in grief. 

 

• Eat and sleep regularly.

If the other items on the list of therapist tips to survive a breakup seem too difficult to manage at this point, it’s ok to simply make sure your basic needs are being met. Put one foot in front of the other, feed yourself, drink plenty of water, get enough sleep, and make sure you’re taking care of your physical needs. 

 

A final note about your breakup:

 

Breakups can be brutal, but they can also help us grow as individuals. We can gain insight, strength, and resilience when relationships end. We can find our way back to ourselves. Instead of looking toward our ex, we must look within for the tools to survive a create a new life.