How Negative Self-talk Affects Mental Health, According to a Therapist

 

You can usually tell when another person is being critical or emotionally abusive by the way they judge, shame, and put you down. You know that this sort of treatment affects confidence and self-worth.

 

But it can be way more difficult to identify a pattern of put-downs and shame when it’s coming from your own inner critic.

 

If your inner critic has been cruel to you, developing new tools to aid self-talk will help you gain resilience, self-compassion, and self-confidence.

 

A negative inner critic can be detrimental to your mental health. Are you your biggest critic? If so, here’s how to turn that bully in your brain into a friend. 

 

What is negative self-talk?

 

Negative self-talk can look different for different people. It can also show up in many ways. Here are some you may recognize:

 

 

• Self-doubt

 

Can sound like: “I probably won’t cut it, so I don’t think I’m going to try.”

 

Self-doubt involves second-guessing yourself, and it is shown to be linked to imposter syndrome and perfection. Individuals whose goals are impossibly high are more likely to doubt themselves than those who set more reasonable goals.

 

• Name-calling

 

Can sound like: “I can’t believe I forgot my appointment. I’m such an idiot.”

 

In adulthood, we generally try not to resort to calling others names. But calling yourself names may be a habit yet to be discarded. 

 

Even the kindest individuals who wouldn’t think of name-calling other people continue to call themselves names. But if you view yourself as less than others, putting yourself down may not feel like as big a deal as putting down others.

 

• Thinking errors

 

Can sound like: “I should be able to do this by now. I’m just dumb.”

 

In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), thinking errors are known as cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions can lead to negative mindsets that result in negative self-talk. Some cognitive distortions that lead to negative self-talk can include filtering, should statements, and labeling. 

 

 

How do people develop negative self-talk?

 

Abusive self-talk usually develops in childhood. When we’re children, we tend to internalize things. When we experience something negative, we can attach a negative belief about ourselves to the experience. Then, we often carry that belief with us well into adulthood.  

 

For example, we could have the experience of giving a class presentation in elementary school and hearing chuckles from our peers. We may think to ourselves, “They’re laughing at me because I sound dumb.” In adulthood, we fear speaking up in meetings because we tell ourselves that we sound dumb. We can then get on a vicious cycle of berating ourselves. When we have abusive self-talk, we end up needlessly tearing ourselves down.

 

Why do we engage in negative self-talk?

 

• Mental Health Issues. One of the main factors to consider in negative self-talk is that of mental health. Certain mental health conditions, such as anxiety and depression, correlate with negative self-talk.

 

• Past experience. Individuals who grew up with parents or other caretakers who were critical, judgmental, neglectful, or emotionally abusive can internalize negative messages about themselves that persist throughout adulthood. Past relationships with partners or friends could also have a similar impact.

 

• Perfectionism: To perfectionists, the smallest of mistakes can feel devastating. Those who struggle with perfectionism tend to have a pretty harsh inner critic.

 

 

Ways to begin addressing negative self-talk

 

• Begin by keeping to keep track of your thoughts. If you aren’t aware of them, you can’t challenge them. You can keep a log of words and phrases you use to attack or disparage yourself and see if you notice a trend. Do certain words come up more than others? Does your negative self-talk increase in certain situations, e.g., when looking in the mirror, scrolling social media, visiting your parents?

 

• Start challenging these thoughts. 

 

This can sound like: 

 

Am I really an idiot because I forgot to send the attachment with that email? My colleague forgot an attachment last week, and they’re more than competent. 

 

Or, “Am I really a failure as a parent because of my relationship problems? I’m working on my part in the relationship and trying my best.

 

• Do some inner child work. Whatever it is you’re telling yourself, picture saying to the 10-year-old version of you. Chances are, you’ll realize the child does not deserve such harsh judgment and criticism. And you just may have been saying the same things to yourself since you were that age.

 

• Develop a habit of noticing when others engage in negative self-talk, and gently call it out. If you hear your friend using self-deprecating humor, you can gently say to them, “Hey, don’t talk about my friend that way.” 

 

• Practice Self-Compassion

 

Self-compassion is the fundamental opposite of self-criticism. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” 

 

For someone who commonly experiences negative self-talk, self-compassion involves a drastic change of perspective. So, it takes practice. Instead of beating ourselves up with negative self-talk, self-compassion involves embracing ourselves with care and kindness while remembering that imperfection is human.

 

Furthermore, for folks who engage in abusive self-talk and have a history of trauma or adverse life experiences, I recommend Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR).  EMDR can help to process the events that have led to the negative cognitions that fuel the cycle of abusive self-talk. 

 

 

What’s next

 

Challenging and changing negative self-talk is essential for overall mental health. Knowing the origin and nature of negative self-talk can be quite helpful. When you begin to understand your inner critic, you can begin to challenge it. As with any engrained thought or behavioral pattern, it will take time, effort, and patience to overcome negative self-talk. Finding a compassionate therapist who provides CBT or EMDR can help. 

If you’re interested in learning to manage negative self-talk so that you can improve your confidence, I’d love to hear from you. Please reach out here.