Why ‘Mutual Abuse’ Isn’t Really a Thing, According to a Therapist

The current high-profile domestic abuse trial currently being dissected in the media and many online spaces has brought the term ‘mutual abuse’ to task. There are many different interpretations of what constitutes mutual abuse and various schools of thought regarding the use of this controversial term. It’s fair to say the term ‘mutual abuse’ bears to be discussed. 

 

Moreover, different types of abuse will be further explained for the purpose of spreading awareness of various types of abuse. First, we’ll define “domestic abuse.” Then, we’ll examine the term, ‘mutual abuse,’ along with an explanation as to why  the term is controversial and problematic. 

 

What is Domestic Abuse

 

According to the United Nations, domestic abuse is defined as “a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.”

 

Nearly every therapist has experience working with individuals in abusive relationships because it is, unfortunately, a common issue. In the United States alone, over 10 million people have been affected by domestic violence. Of this number, around 1 in 4 are women and 1 in 9 are estimated to be men. Additionally, about 10% of children are exposed to domestic violence each year. It is widely believed these numbers are underreported.

 

*If you believe you are in an abusive relationship, please scroll to the end for helpful resources.

 

 

Is Mutual Abuse a Real Thing?

 

 

The term ‘mutual abuse’ is often used to implicate both partners in a relationship as being equally culpable instigators and perpetrators of intimate partner violence. However, mutual abuse is rare and seldom exists in domestic violence situations. Domestic violence experts largely disagree with the use of the term and consider mutual abuse to be a myth. That is, experts tend to disagree with the term used because of the context of equal culpability.

 

According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, “Abuse is about an imbalance of power and control. In an unhealthy or abusive relationship, there may be unhealthy behaviors from both/all partners, but in an abusive relationship, one person tends to have more control than the other.”

 

The president of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) has disputed the concept of mutual abuse. NCADV’s president has stated, “In every incident between two people, there’s a “primary aggressor.”

 

This means, the likelihood of both partners in a domestic violence situation having equal power and control is rare. Power imbalances in these relationships may entail gender differences, age differences, or even financial or social capital. The more these differences overlap, the more likely a power imbalance may occur.

 

Using the term ‘mutual abuse’ puts undeserved blame on the survivor and reinforces the belief that the survivor deserved the abuse, or is at fault. It is essentially, victim blaming. And when both partners are blamed, the controlling partner’s actions can seem more justified.

 

Instead of using the term ‘mutual abuse,’ it may be more accurate to refer to violence that exists between partners without the power/control pattern as ‘situational couple violence.’ Situational couple violence occurs as the result of partners having inadequate conflict resolution skills and ineffective communication patterns. The difference between this type of violence and mutual abuse is that situational violence is not driven by a power and control motive. 

 

 

What is Violent Resistance?

 

 

Part of the distinction at play in the controversial term is in the word ‘abuse.’ Someone reacting to an aggressor is defensive or aggressive, not abusive. Defending oneself can look like abuse on the surface, but is distinctly different from someone using control and power to abuse another.

 

Instead of ‘mutual abuse,’ what often happens in domestic violence situations is ‘self-defense’ or ‘violent resistance.’ In domestic violence situations, one partner generally attempts to exert power or dominance over the other partner via an abusive controlling pattern. When the survivor responds with emotional reactivity, they are not acting mutually. They are acting defensively. 

 

A partner who responds with reactive violence is not seeking power and control. To the contrary, they desperately want the power and control cycle to stop. To distinguish between violent resistance and mutual abuse, it is important to uncover the motivations underlying abusive behavior. You may ask yourself what you hoped to accomplish when you became physical. It’s important to determine who is initiating the violence and who is in control. In other words, who’s starting the fight?

 

3 Common Types of Domestic Abuse

 

Physical Abuse

 

Physical abuse is among the most common types of domestic abuse. It can vary in degree, severity, and frequency. Physical abuse doesn’t just entail overt behaviors such as hitting, grabbing, pushing, and shoving. It may also include withholding physical necessities such as medication or food or withholding help when someone is injured or ill. It may also involve isolation or stalking.

 

Another common and lesser discussed type of domestic abuse is rape within relationships. It is estimated that each year, around 1.5 million women experience rape by a partner. 

 

Emotional Abuse

 

Emotional abuse occurs when an abuser repeatedly attacks the self-worth of another person. Abusers may even use coercion to degrade or disempower their partners. It has been estimated that over 40% of individuals in relationships have experienced coercive control from their partners. 

 

Emotional abuse entails direct threats of physical harm or even indirect threats to a partner or their loved ones. Threatening to harm oneself to manipulate one’s partner is another common form of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse sometimes extends to consistently denying a partner’s requests and needs. 

 

 

Financial Abuse

 

Financial abuse can occur in many forms. Financial abuse happens when one partner purposefully and unfairly wields their power and influence over the couple’s financial resources. At it’s core, financial abuse is a tactic used by an abuser in an attempt to oppress their partner.

 

Financial abuse may happen when a partner limits or denies their partner access to funds, takes away their partner’s ability to earn money, or blows through money earmarked for important household needs. Financial abusers may also use their partner’s money without authorization.

 

How to Get Help 

 

Sometimes, attempting to leave an abusive relationship can be more frightening than staying in the relationship. Too often, survivors of domestic violence have been worn down and made to feel incapable. But you don’t have to do it alone. 

 

Steps to escape an abusive relationship:

 

• Be discreet. Consider how your partner may react if they find out you’re attempting to leave. 

 

• Make a plan. Your plan should include a list of safe spaces you can go and/or people who can offer support or protection. 

 

• Phone a helpline: You can call 911 or a domestic abuse hotline such as National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 

 

• Use private browsing mode to search “shelters near me.” You can discreetly contact local centers that assist survivors of domestic abuse to get help escaping. Many will help with life after you leave.

 

• Don’t give up. It’s what your abuser wants. Many individuals have left abusive relationships and are now surviving and thriving. Do everything you can to let that be you.